Journal: Thursday febuarary 14, 2008

Okay so I did what I had to do. And I should be satisfied but I’m not at all.

I think it’s great. And when I say “great” I mean horrible. It’s a tough world out there you know? Some just can’t take the true way of life. And I am one of them. Why do I do this? Why do I continue getting back something that really wasn’t the thing I thought it was? Why do I like him so much? Like he won’t ever get the fact that I mean what I say and it affects me. (As I laugh at what I had just written, what man understands any woman’s feelings or care about them at that matter? What man will ever understand what you are going through and how much you just want them satisfied that way they can stay with you and you wouldn’t be alone anymore?)

He has to know something.

And I believe he knows nothing. Not one little bit. He has no clue how he made me feel like. No it’s not lust or infatuation. It’s passion that is ruined because of what his penis has to say instead of his brain. I may be black, I may be annoying, but I am a god damn person. Okay? I am. I have feelings. I may act like I’m cool with everything but I’m not. I’m hurt that you never called, never showed, never answered, and never came over. So that’s when I said, “Hey maybe it’s done with, REALITY CHECK NIKKI, He wanted you for one and one thing only, Sex, that since of home where his head was.”

I mean I talk to him bluntly about everything. From what color my poop is when I’m sick to, why are we not together?

Wait I forgot I talked. This had nothing to do with him. As if he cared.

“I’m not asking you to fall, except in love with me.”

Umm… so do I leave it alone, I mean, I said what I said, but it was a lie. I ended it right? I don’t want it to end. I want it to continue. I wish this wasn’t ridiculous. No it’s not ridiculous, I am ridiculous. I’m COMPLETELY ridiculous.

Maybe it’s because I’m insecure over my surroundings. Man, I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so confused, I confuse everyone else. Fuck man. This isn’t the way I wanted it to go.

FUCK.

If only he knew. I know he wouldn’t care. But I wish he would.

And wishing is a lot to me. Seriously what girl doesn’t wish for her love? Not so much love, but hope. Hope for one day that she can have someone to hold like forever. But not forever, but at least for a moment. A moment for me to be happy. J L  Hmm…

Just looking at him today, I couldn’t because like he’s seen everything inside and out. And when I saw him… I didn’t know what to do… and I keep thinking about it. Why do I think about his look he gave me?  I DON’T KNOW… okay.

It’s hard to think about it.

It’s really hard to think about it.

I haven’t seen him in ages.

But it’s fine. It’s alright.

Journal: friday febuarary 15, 2008

 I don’t know how to go about this. I don’t just want to talk about him. He’s just the only thing I ever think about. It’s sad to know that the only thing that I can cope with is comfort being with me. And I sit… and look up the common philosophy on why girls get hurt, or for that matter what makes the relationship go wrong. And I keep researching… (Love is an essential part of the human build, without the people we love, we are nothing. We thrive on that hope that we will one day find that one person who will one day make our lives whole... sometimes that doesn’t work, but for an instant, it was there, and you tasted a sampling of what that true love will be like. With out that promise of love, there is nothing to really live for.)

And that’s how you know you’ve been hurt. I mean come on now NIKKI. Seriously, what girl looks up a fucking philosophy on how the common relationship works? I don’t know what to do anymore. All I know is that it is written in this journal that I have been hurt.
I’ve been hurt bad and I can’t accept that I need to be cured. And how do I get cured?

I haven't been on here in a while.

A lot of drama that I don't want to inform you on.

You wouldn't want to here how many deadly subjects

there are.

I'm not going to even bother anymore. I'm nuetral.

and I don't like being into drama at all.

Fuck it all.

I hate this.

eh. Life could be better. I admit to al of you on here that

I'm envious against everyone. Everyone has something I

want. And I envy that.

Ohhhh Wellll... that's life.

I have been patiently waiting, for the taste of this.

You seem to want more than the passionate sex.

Caressing me down, and you still have no regret.

Only time will tell what's with this first and last kiss.

Hiding underneath the sheets of other people's beds.

All I really intended to do is to cuddle with you.

More and more I tend to crave the thought of what we could do.

 

Sometimes I feel like I have no one.

But I related to him last night. The things

we wanted to do. The things we talked about. The

things we wanted that night.

I wish I would have gave in but

you know some say you are dating Karter.

 

But honestly, she's a skank slut whore bitch fuck.

and i just don't really give a fuck. You can hate me

alll you want Karter. I just want to be happy. And he

obviously said you weren't together. :(

sorry babe. But I just can't help myself.

I am a boyfriend(or the guy you claim) stealer.